THE THRILL OF VICTORY, THE AGONY OF DEFEAT, AND THE 20-MINUTE RULE

Happy Thanksgiving weekend, everyone!

This is an important time in America—a moment to celebrate the early beginnings of a nation, and the one day a year when many of us pause long enough to intentionally acknowledge what we’re grateful for. We go around the table, we say it out loud, we list blessings big and small. And honestly, isn’t that something we should be doing every morning when we wake up?

Some years it may feel like your list of blessings is a little short. But if you sit down and actually write them out, you might be surprised by how many gifts you’ve received—some obvious, some unexpected, and some disguised as challenges.

Counting your blessings is important.

But what about your disappointments?

Now, I’m not suggesting you gather your loved ones around the Thanksgiving table and take turns sharing your heartbreaks. What a party that would be! But is it wise to simply sweep disappointments under the rug and pretend they never happened?

Not necessarily.

Sometimes those “not so good” moments are actually valuable teachers. They show us how we respond under pressure, what we might do differently next time, and how we can grow.

Maybe you didn’t get the placement you worked for. Maybe your dance partner quit. Maybe you were entered in a harder age division or a higher level. Maybe your lesson was canceled, your costume didn’t fit, or…YOU DIDN’T MAKE THE FINAL!!!

Whatever your version of disappointment looks like—how did you handle the stress?

THE 20-MINUTE RULE

Here it is: my tried-and-true strategy for dealing with any awful, frustrating, disappointing moment. I’ve used it in dance, in business, and in life—and yes, even when my football team loses. (Go Pack Go!)

It works like this:

Whenever something disappointing happens—and it doesn’t have to be catastrophic—I give myself exactly 20 minutes to feel it fully.

If my team loses a playoff game or even (brace yourself) the Super Bowl, I let myself be mad. I yell at the TV. I replay the agony in my head. I scream. I stomp. I maybe shed a tear. I let the emotion out instead of swallowing it.

But when that 20-minute timer goes off?

I’m done. I release it, I shift perspective, and I move on to gratitude: My team made it far. They had a great run. I got to enjoy the excitement. And next year? Watch out!

This part isn’t always easy—but it’s important. I’ve seen people lose a placement and let it ruin their entire week. Their mood seeps into their family, friends, coworkers. A temporary disappointment becomes a lingering cloud.

HOW I TAUGHT THIS TO MY STUDENTS

When my students didn’t make a cut or lost a placement, I would tell them:

Smile all the way to your hotel room. Never show anger or frustration in front of others—especially performers. Artists love drama, and the last thing you want is to give them more material!

Once you’re behind closed doors, you get your 20 minutes: scream, cry, throw a pillow, curse the universe. Let it all out.

And when the timer rings?

You count your blessings, head back to the ballroom, cheer for fellow dancers, study great competitors, and then—when Monday comes—you review the video, analyze, regroup, and plan to improve.

That’s how you move on.

“CAN’T I JUST SKIP THE PAIN AND GO STRAIGHT TO GRATITUDE?”

You could. But honestly, if defeat doesn’t sting at least a little, I’m not sure how deeply invested you are in your craft.

When you’re truly committed—when you practice relentlessly, study endlessly, and pour your heart into your sport—defeat hurts. And that hurt deserves to be acknowledged, not ignored.

The 20-minute rule isn’t wallowing. It’s honoring your effort.

It’s giving your disappointment a clean, controlled window…so it doesn’t control you.

AND YES… LIMIT YOUR VICTORY CELEBRATION TOO

The 20-minute rule even applies to winning (unless it’s your last competition before retirement—then celebrate all you want!).

Victory is amazing. It deserves joy, energy, and celebration.

But don’t get stuck in the “I was a Champion” mentality. You know the guy who—20 years later—is still talking about the touchdown he threw in high school? Don’t be him.

Celebrate. Then get back to work. Your next goal is waiting.

MY TWO RULES FOR BIG EVENTS

When traveling with multiple students, I always had two simple rules:

1. No roommates.

If one dancer has a devastating loss and the other just had the best result of their life, the 20-minute rule becomes impossible. One needs to vent. One needs to celebrate. Both end up awkwardly suppressing their emotions. Separate rooms = emotional freedom.

2. The 20-Minute Rule.

Enough said.